91 Hilarious Clean Jokes For Funny People Who Don’t Swear
— BDG; Getty
Good clean jokes — jokes that are genuinely funny but perfectly appropriate — are hard to come by. R-rated humor is easy, but making people laugh without invoking adult-only language is a real, rare talent that can elicit the funniest material. Working that much harder for the reward makes the giggles you get that much more gratifying, anyway. And a wholesome joke provides a chance for people of all ages to laugh hard together.
Study up and bust out these uproarious clean jokes whenever you need to see your kid smile. Just don’t wait too long because they might not think your clean jokes are cool forever.
Clean Food Jokes
Q. Why did the tomato blush?
A. Because it saw the salad dressing.
Q. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
A. It had great food, but no atmosphere.
Q. What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?
Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
A. There was nothing left but de Brie.
Q. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
A. Patty!
Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing?
A. The meatball.
Q. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A. Because he always has a great fall.
Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?
A. Because he found a butter lover.
Q. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?
A. He just flipped.
Q. Why should you never tell a taco a secret?
A. Because they tend to spill the beans.
Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.
Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
A. A jam session.
Q. Why do comedians love eggs?
A. They’re easy to crack up.
Q. How do you fix a broken gourd?
A. With a pumpkin patch.
Q. Why are jalapeños such good marksmen?
A. Because they haben-arrow.
Q. Why can you never gossip in a cornfield?
A. Too many ears.
Clean Animal Jokes
Q. What is a flea’s favorite way to travel?
A. Itch hiking.
Q. Which bird has the worst manners?
A. Mocking birds.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Q. I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. ? /
A. I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Q. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
A. Ten tickles.
Q. Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?
Q. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
A. The don’t meet the koalafications.
Q. Why are fish so smart?
A. Because they live in schools!
Q. What do you call a bear with no ears?
A. A “B”!
Q. Why are teddy bears never hungry?
A. Because they’re always stuffed.
Q. What language do pigs speak?
A. Pig Latin.
Q. What mouse walks on two feet?
A. Mickey Mouse.
Q. What duck walks on two feet?
A. All ducks.
Q. Where do cows go on Friday nights?
A. They go to the moo-vies!
Q. Why don’t ants ever get sick?
A. Because they have little anty bodies.
Q. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
A. It gets toad away.
Q. Where do polar bears keep their money?
A. A snowbank.
Q. What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A. “Pick a cod, any cod.”
Q. What do you call a pile of kittens?
A. A meowntain.
Q. What did the beaver say to the tree?
A. “It’s been nice gnawing you.”
Q. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
A. Prime mates.
Science Jokes
Q. What do dentists call X-rays?
A. Tooth pics.
Q. What time do you go to the dentist?
A. At tooth-hurty.
Q. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A. “Between you and me, something smells.”
Q. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re usually 90 degrees.
Q. Why is no one friends with Dracula?
A. Because he’s a pain in the neck.
Q. Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
A. Because he had a vowel movement.
Q. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Q. Is this pool safe for diving?
A. It deep ends.
Q. What did the nose say to the finger?
A. “Quit picking on me!”
Q. Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A. Na.
Q. Why can you never trust an atom’s story?
A. Because it makes up everything.
Q. Where does bad light end up?
A. In prism.
Q. How much does a neutron pay for electricity?
A. No charge.
Q. Why are electrons never invited to parties?
A. They’re so negative.
Q. Where do sick fish go?
A. To the dock.
Clean Dad Jokes
Q. What did one wall say to the other wall?
A. “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
Q. When does a joke become a dad joke?
A. When the punchline is apparent.
Q. What did the paper say to the pencil?
A. “Write on!”
Q. How did the bullet lose its job?
A. It got fired.
Q. Why should you never trust stairs?
A. They are always up to something.
Q. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
Q. Why did the kid throw his watch out the window?
A. Because he wanted to see time fly.
Q. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
A. “Hi, bud!”
Q. How does NASA organize a party?
A. They planet.
Q. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
A. Attire.
Q. Why were they called the Dark Ages?
A. Because there were lots of knights.
Q. What did one toilet say to the other?
A. “You look flushed.”
Q. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. ? I told them, “Just you wait!”
Q. What gets wetter the more it dries?
A. A towel.
Q. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. ? / That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
Q. Why did the picture go to prison?
A. Because it was framed!
Q. What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A. I don’t k now, but the flag is a big plus.
Q. Want to hear a roof joke?
A. The first one’s on the house.
Q. Want to hear another roof joke?
A. It’s probably over your head.
Q. What building in New York has the most stories?
A. The public library!
Q. Why can’t Elsa have a balloon?
A. Because she will let it go.
Q. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow?
A. Just follow the fresh prints.
Q. Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?
A. Mount Rushmore.
Q. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
A. Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
Q. What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
A. R2 detour.
Q. Why did the man fall into the cistern?
A. He couldn’t see that well.
Q. Can February march?
A. No, but April may.
Q. Why was six afraid of seven?
A. Because seven eight nine.
Q. What do you call a pencil with erasers on both ends?
A. Pointless.
Q. What’s brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
I hated beards, but they’re growing on me.
Q. What is red and smells like blue paint?
A. Red paint.
Q. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
A. He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Q. Where does the General keep his armies?
A. In his sleeves!
Q. What’s a foot long and slippery?
A. A slipper.
Q. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?
A. They’re both red except for the green one.