5 Iconic Christmas Movies Your Kids Can’t Watch
Christmas is a time for family. A time for loving and hugging your kids. A time for celebrating being together. But, Christmas vacation is also a time for having some cocktails with fellow adults, for eating food that is bad for you, and yes, watching some movies that are decidedly not for kids.
We’ve recently compiled a totally biased and non-objective list of what we consider to be the best holiday movies ever (which includes Thanksgiving movies, Hanukkah movies, and Christmas movies for kids and adults), but what this sneaky little list is about is something different. These are the movies you really should only watch with your significant other, or maybe by yourself. Hide the kids! These Christmas movies are only for grown-ups, spiked egg nog optional.
5. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
In theory, kids could maybe watch this movie. It’s not wholly inappropriate for kids or anything, other than the fact that the movie is certifiably terrible. In fact, the best version of this is easily the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, which yes, will have asides and jokes that aren’t quite okay for kids. If you want to get your MST3K nostalgia going and watch a kitsch Christmas classic, fire this one up.
4. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
We ranked the original Die Hard pretty high on our best Christmas movies ever list, and that’s because it’s a high point for the art form known as American cinema. You could think about having older kids watch the original Die Hard, if only for educational purposes of what pop culture is. However, Die Hard 2: Die Harder isn’t a classic Christmas movie at all. It’s a Die Hard sequel that takes place during Christmas. This one is just for you.
Holiday movies that are also horror movies are rare. It’s also rare that they’re actually scary as hell. Krampus is both. This one will give kids nightmares, and we know that because it gives grown-ups nightmares too!
2. Christmas with the Kranks
In our shared cultural memory, the mom in this movie is played by the mom from Home Improvement and not Jamie Lee Curtis. But when you rewatch this, this is 100 percent Jamie Lee Curtis and Tim Allen, starring in an unlikely adaptation of a book by — checks notes — John Grisham. Neither the book nor the movie will land with kids. But, there is a tiny bit of wish fulfillment for tired adults here. Sometimes we all want to skip Christmas.
1. Love, Actually
Everyone is either a stalker or an adulterer in this movie. Or in one case, a stalker who is trying to get someone else to commit adultery. Even the little kid who is obsessed with his crush is violating all sorts of airport security rules. But writer Richard Curtis is a rom-com God, and it’s hard to argue with the charm of Love, Actually. We say you gotta keep this one away from your kids as long as possible, simply so they don’t think that any of this behavior is remotely normal.
That said, the part where Hugh Grant is dancing around Risky Business style is pretty dope.